I took some time this morning to visit some old friends and hopefully make the acquaintance of new friends.  Life is certainly busy and exciting in Xanga Land.  Nanny's Knight is so handsome at daughter's graduation.  Framaz found some interesting DNA articles.  Nessil loves her grandchildren.  Momma Rosa is enjoying her weekend as she has done for so long.  Dance on, lady!  I forgot to add the "newies" to my list for reading.  Think I am getting a bit older and more forgetful.  I will find them again, though.

Daughter will turn 18 in three weeks.  I did not ever think this day would come.  She has gone through some awful emotional times for such a sweet, young thing.  However, I see that she is a strong woman and will live successfully in this crazy world.

I have to go back into the hospital to have a polyp removed from colon.  It is pre-cancerous as my GI said.  She would have removed it when she was doing the colonoscopy but my blood was too thin and she was afraid I would bleed out.  So now I get to do the whole "pre" colonoscopy stuff again.  Bother!

I bought eight small plants at WalMart yesterday for the patio.  Have to plant them today.  Hope the weather is kind to me.  It is hot and very humid.  Humidity is a killer.

I am planning on taking a medical transcription course.  Am looking for something that I can do at home as supplement to my income and then continue with after I retire.  Yes!  I really want to retire.  Only have 9 more years unless I can retire early and keep my health insurance.  Am planning to check into that this week.  Corporate America is way to goofy any more for this old lady.  Too many games played.  Way too many rules used to keep people in those damn boxes. 

Someone said that we at xanga are very quiet about the war.  Well, it is a subject that requires action and not writing.  Prayers and not rhetoric.  Women of the world it is time for us to take charge before the "boys" ruin the playing field for everyone. 

Blessed day.  zera

Here I sit as patiently as possible waiting for a customer service rep with my bank to come on the line.  Hmmmm!  I could complain about the lack of good customer service these days.  I could complain about the fact the employers are requiring less and less staff to do much much more.  But, I won't.  It is Friday and I just got paid.  The temperature at 7 am is 66 degrees (I could complain about this too, but . . . ). 

I just read a beautiful little story in a journaling magazine about a confrontation with a hummingbird.  The writer, Dorothy Randall Gray, has such a beautiful way with words.  Her reflections on the experience lifted my spirits.  It helped me to realize why I choose to write here at Xanga.  I write because I want to communicate with myself and with others.   I know for a fact that my first years here at Xanga were spent trying to sort through a bushel load of "sins" and that somewhere along this trail of writing, I have put that bushel down.  And to my surprise, I do not want to go back and find it.  There is so much happening here and now to experience and then share. 

If anyone has recognized themselves in any of my stories, please forgive the ramblings of a confused soul.  Always remember that these are MY thoughts and may or may not have anything to do with reality.  And if you happen to be related to me and know I am talking about you, I give you two choices.  Pretend you do not know me and read the entries as though they are written by a perfect stranger who is working out her life.  Or, don't read my journal.  I refuse to say I am sorry for my thoughts.  They are mine after all.

I will say I am sorry for not writing more frequently.  I have had to take a hard look at how much I wanted to continue journaling at Xanga.  I awoke this morning to the fact that I must continue writing.  It is my only way to truly communicate with the world.  And I MUST communicate after so many years of hiding inside.  I miss my friends and their comments on life.  Sooooooooooooooooo, I'm back! 

Thought for the day:  Don't let the turkeys get you down!  Love zera

Good morning!  Haven't written lately because I have been busy cleaning out the old box.  Had some financial difficulties that caused a lot of anxiety but husband and I have got it under control and my blood pressure has moved back to the normal zone.  Life gets in the way of enjoying Life. 

The weather is getting warmer in Georgia and my beautiful pansies had to be cut back.  They do not hold up well during summer in the south.  Petunias love this weather and I have set out two planters of them.  The Confederate Jasmine is spreading all over the patio.  It smells so sweet.  I stopped putting seed out for the birds (no migrating birds this time of the year) because the Mourning Doves were making a mess of the patio.  They are as bad as the "squirrel from hell."  My patio would be covered with the empty hulls of the sunflower seeds.  Then when you go out to enjoy the flowers those hulls would attach themselves to the bottom of your shoes and be drug through the living room when you would come back in.  It is warm enough now that the creatures can forage.  My little Sweetie cat is disappointed, though.  She so enjoyed scaring the birds and they enjoyed teasing her.

Megs has joined a support group.  She did the research and went to the group last evening all by herself.  She even enjoyed it.  Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!!  Big kid!  I am very proud of her.  I forget to look at her as a young woman who is very responsible.  Am usually just seeing my little baby who needs to be cared for.  Considering that she is 6 inches taller than me, I guess she isn't so little anymore.

I never thought I would be considered part of the working poor.  Well, I am not really poor.  But I am part of the hundreds of thousands of us who work every day and have just enough to cover bills, buy groceries, pay the rent and a very teeny bit to carry over until the next paycheck.  Then after a hard year at work, I was granted my pay increase of 2.4%.  I was thankful for that.  It pays for the bus pass that I purchase every month to get to work.  So many people have lost their jobs and one must be thankful for the job that you have.  And I am thankful.  However, I really get my dander up when I read how much the CEO makes.  Lord, he makes more money than even God could spend.  Well, he is a bright man and runs a very good company whose stock has risen considerably over the past few years.  But what he gets just as a salary is outrageous.  Mine is not the only company like this, however.  Most of the larger companies across the US have highly paid CEOs.  Then those who work hard within the companies are not compensated in the same degree.  Not fair!  Why can't my CEO be like  Why couldn't my CEO emulate Iaccoco who took a salary of $1 for a year to help bring Chrysler out of near bankruptcy?   I guess because we are a very successful company.  His box must be rather large and extravagant.  Well, I am back to my box that is just a perfect fit for me.  Have to get it moving or I will be late for work.  Can't have that.

Hope you are all well.  I love you all.  zera

Do you shake your head in amazement at times when you stop to think about the world we live in?  I was just now thinking about all things that make us fit into a little box that fits into a little cell in this great big world.  Born in 1948 I came into a world populated by way too many people the same age as me.  We pushed the limits of everything as we grew up.  Breaking out in the 60s and 70s in an attempt to overthrow those darn boxes and live together in peace and love and harmony in one huge circle that encompassed us all.  Boy that did not live beyond the the 70s.  Now that my schoolmates are all 56 years old, we are trying to raise children that do not live in boxes but have the freedom to express themselves and to be strong in who they are.  Well, it was always a great way to parent but I have almost made it to her 18th birthday.   This past year, the problems and difficulties have dropped away and we are seeing the makings of a real live human being.  I also see where I let her get away with a few things, like cleaning her room, that she will have to deal with as she gets older. 

Now, I have time to learn to be me and to allow myself to grow up and enjoy life.  I don't have to fit back into that box (I never broke mine down, only turned it on end).  I am changing the size and shape of it and adding things from my life that I want to keep.  So now I am fitting into the box but my way like all the other 56 year olds.  We are all the same in our differentness.  And instead of breaking down our boxes we are melding them together to form a safe place for us all to live in peace and harmony and love.  What goes around comes around.

Namaste.  zera

I am reading a new book.  This one is about Buddhism.  I am on Chapter 6 entitled Wisdom.  A short story goes:  Seeker:  "Teach me the way to liberation."
                                               Zen master:  "Who binds you!"
                                               Seeker:  "No one binds me."
                                               Zen master:  "Then why seek liberation!"

"Our prison, our dungeon, is in us.  It's in our own mind, our own thinking."  As the writer goes on, I imagine The Devil card in tarot.  It is only illusion that you are bound by chains.  Interesting.  This is such a simple little book to read.  Certainly one to be read and the seeds planted will grow within. 

Yang Chu says "We pass by the joys of life without knowing we've missed anything."

May you be more aware today and truly see life.

I am having the most wonderful dreams.  I have stopped cleaning house and am now doing things and meeting old friends in my dreams.  Time to work on relationships and do a lot of forgiving.

Yesterday, I dreamed that I was in a play and I could dance and sing and do whatever I wanted.  The people in the play had specific lines to say but I could do everything extemporaneously (ad libbed).  Some people where okay and some were happy and some like my family were very stone faced.  I didn't care.  I acted my way through the play.  You may use your own imagination as to what it all means.  Life is a play that you act in until the the end of the play and the curtain goes down.  So, perhaps there are no right and wrongs, just a whole lot of free form movement.  And of course I would never learn my lines or anything -- too stubborn.  I was so happy just having fun living.  Well, I am getting way off the point now.  Love to all.  toodles!  zera

It is such a beautiful morning.  There is a strong breeze helping the loblolly pines do their bending and stretching exercises.  Sweetie is at her battle station in front of the sliding glass door watching....just watching.  She has scored a few points this week.  Scared the heck out of three birds and one point for me the first time she jumped up on the mesh screen.  By the way she doesn't scare the little birds, only the mourning doves.  My little azaela is blooming and the pansies are overfilling all their pots. 

For all my snowbound friends, we have had absolutely no winter this year.  We have had lots of rain though and the Chattahoochee is higher than it has been in years.  I certainly hope the summer is mild.

CW is working now at the hotel. Husband says he is doing a great job.  He is such a nice boy.  He plans to go to visit his family today because it is one of his brothers' birthday.  Megs is having a panic attack but I think we can get her through it.  She has talked herself into feeling uncomfortable being around CW's family.  If she gets enough sleep she will be good to go.

Hello to everyone.  I am very sleepy just now and am going to take a nap.  zera

Friday!  Yah-hooooooo!!!  Had a bit of a chuckle from a comment.  A dear young woman asked me the point of my blog.  Do you remember a cartoon back in the very early 70s called Oblio?  In a world of people who had points, Oblio was round and had no point.  Guess you had to be there.  My blogs have no point for anyone else.  They are my musings.  And I still have a few friends who drop by to give me support.  The last few years have been quite dramatic for me and my family.  When Momma goes through the change of life, the whole family goes through the change of life. 

I love reading the comments from friends and others as well.  You keep me smiling and looking forward to each day.  No one has written that I am a SINNER and damned to HELL.  Well, I know I'm not.  I just spent a few years there and I am back to live another 50 good years. 

Blessings to all my friends.  Love to each reader.  Today I am Oblio again and totally pointless.  I can roll with the punches, bounce over problems, and can encompass anyone and everyone.  zera

I was considering the major changes in my life and thought I would list them.  See if you agree with me that these are the times where a door opened and a definite change in direction occurred:

1-My grandmother took me into her home to raise me when I was 3 years old
2-I married someone I barely knew when I was 19 in order to get away from home
3-OT and I met and married
4-We joined the order
5-I lost my sweet Emrys
6-I had Megs
7-OT had a major heart attack and survived
8-I went through the change of life with all the trauma possible
9-Here we all are

Of course my life is full just like everyone elses.  However, these particular points created dramatic direction changes or were the end results of some heavy changes due in my life.  It is really quite humorous to see my 56 years reduced to 9 moments.  But these were true turning points. 

So, on the pathway of life, you open so many doors and experience life.  However, when you are finally over 50 you may begin to look back and put your path in order.  Sweep away the dust.  See what was impportant and what was merely something to occupy time until you made the next big step.  I love my life.  I have enjoyed every minute although at the time, I may have felt alone, bereft, embarrassed or angry.  The important part is that I kept going and arrived here. 

May your life be filled with as much fun as mine.  Blessings.  zera 

You know I was just thinking Chris about something from the Bible that says things done in secret will be shouted from the mountain tops.  Writing about your life is very similar to that verse, don't you think.  And if you can shout it from the mountain top, then you are free of the fear of anyone finding out that you were human and made mistakes.  So, in a way, posting your letter the last few times on Xanga was my way of bringing to the light some of my darkest secrets or at least what I thought were dark. 

While I was writing about the time from when we last talked to the wonderful turning point in my life, I felt a very huge darkness in me disappear.  I good see clearly that my fear was dark and ugly but the experiences themselves were just small steps in my life.  The important part was that I kept moving and I didn't give up.  Every step in my life has brought be to here and now.  And I am very thankful for God/dess watchful protection all along the way. 

There are so many avenues to talk about that my head is spinning.  I need to close now and thank you for being such a patient listener.  Blessings to you.  zera